I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
