The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
