Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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