shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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