Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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