I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
