i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
