I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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