At least make sure they are 18
Why
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
me + whiskey = a bad person
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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