you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
