Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
