I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
