I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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