So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
