I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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