Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
