I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
