Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
