So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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