census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
