my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
