I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
