I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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