why didn't you poke me back
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
