Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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