The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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