We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
