my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize