mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
