if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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