I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
