I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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