Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
