I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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