If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
