i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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