I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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