Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
