sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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