the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
