My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
