i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
