i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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