I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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