Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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