the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Of course I have a pirate flag
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
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