my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
