If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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