we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
