got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
