I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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