So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
