I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
