you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
