Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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